The struggle for boundaries
Suddenly you realize that the other person is not perfect after all. The limited view dissolves. One realizes that the idealization of the partner does not correspond to reality. The partners now have to decide whether or not they can cope with the other’s “faults”. I have seen this crisis period in almost all couples in my environment and in counseling. So it is nothing special, but for the individual it is of course a great challenge. Because now the two will decide whether they really have a future together or not. With the help of the strong emotional foundation from the infatuation phase, it is now possible to go through this crisis and build a lasting relationship. Alternatively, you may find that this is not the right partner after all.
However, in the case that the two have already walked down the aisle in the infatuation phase, this is not an option. But don’t worry, those who have already decided for each other have a completely different force behind conflict resolution. I 100% believe that this crisis can be successfully overcome within a marriage. You just have to put some effort into it.
In the crisis I have the opportunity to weigh:
Can I spend my whole life with this partner or not? Do the difficulties outweigh the joy of being together? Scientists have found out that one of the elementary basic requirements for a lasting relationship is humor. Especially in a crisis, humor is an elixir of survival. Recently, a friend told me that she would have been happy if someone had told her that before she got married. Then she would never have gotten married, because she could never laugh together with her ex-husband.
This crisis can only be shortened to a certain extent if it is to have a healthy outcome. Of course, one of the two could say: I will step back completely with my wishes and convictions in order to protect the relationship. And of course it’s a good start if you approach your partner and stop wanting the other person to change all the time. But in the long run, this has to become a mutual concession. If permanently only one of the partners approaches the other, then this is a rotten peace, whose enormous stench will later destroy the relationship. The couple must find each other without getting lost. It needs an infinite number of conversations, probably also a lot of discussions, which certainly do not always take place quietly. It also needs a basic level of respect and esteem.
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